Mitch Hedberg grapes

Don't go see doctor Acula.86. A lot of bars have black lights. Or it's an animal term, too.156. Two-in-one is a bullshit term because one is not big enough to hold two. The easiest way to collect stamps... is to not mail shit.82.

I've seen a human pyramid before... it was very unnecessary.159.

People ask me for my autograph after the show. That guy wasted lots of time at school, cuz I would’ve bought that shit from a Mr. Scholl.When I was 18, I was kind of sick of living here, so my friend Tim and I packed up his Volare. If you have dentures, do not use artificial sweeteners because you will get a fake cavity.21. I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. "No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones."193. You may never get Mitch Hedberg out, yet that is alright, it’s progressively fun with Mitch Hedberg in there in any case.I don’t have a girlfriend. I played in a death metal band. I'd kick some fuckin' ass.191. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait." I remixed the remix... it was back to normal.47.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid... is fuckin' clean.127. Except for me... because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.13. Like, you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and then they would travel down to your stomach, then when they get there, the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."122. Next time you’re eating a Reese’s candy bar and a guy named Reese comes by and says “Let me have that,” you better hand it over. I like refried beans. “Oh, distinctive laugh doesn’t think that joke was funny!”The St. Paul local’s exhibition uneasiness was serious stuff – watch a youthful Mitch Hedberg showing up on the Late Show with David Letterman, killing, while the mouthpiece shakes in his grasp – and he regularly kept up a running analysis about whether individuals were having a decent time, and whether that last joke was any great.All of Mitch Hedberg’s demonstration was obviously one of a kind: the curt conveyance, eyes depressedand typically holed up behind shades, in any case, his uncanny mood, the manner in which he’d trust that a group of people will make up for lost time to a punchline, that little grin he’d give them when they got there.Dr. You can’t be a slouchy fish or you will be a fish clump.I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match “It’s a fight to the finish”. It’s as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton. That's good news, man.

- I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker and you were walking on the sidewalk with him, and he fell... that would be completely unacceptable.206. That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. I don't own a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.250. Do you think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a blacklight popped up over his head?195. They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home.

I met the girl who works at the Double Tree front desk. They don't call it by its negative name because nobody would buy it... sponge ruiner.59. Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. We wanted to move to Texas, but the front-end alignment was bad.My roommate said to me, “I’m gonna go shave and use the shower. Listerine hurts.

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